Hiding in a bubble

 8/4/22        Day #61

 

    Well it's been 2 months since D-Day (diagnosis day, and ironically the real D-Day).  I'm still here.  Still waiting.  Still walking around with cancer.  Still not knowing what my treatment plan is after surgery.  Still feeling shooting pains across my breasts and wondering "is it growing?  has it spread?"

    I am physically feeling better, thank goodness. Covid seems to be out of my system.  No lingering signs or symptoms.  I'm walking and (attempting) exercising everyday.  My definition of working out is different now.  Walking Louie and doing some pilates on my phone app have taken the place of the intense HIIT bootcamp style classes I used to do.  But I'm ok with that.  I'm giving my body some grace and remembering 1. I'm 39 and not 20 anymore 2. I've given birth to 2 human beings (1 being 9 1/2 lbs!) 3. I have cancer and my future treatments are going to wreak havoc on my body and I will never look/feel the same or "normal" again.  But I'm grateful my cough and congestion and fever are gone.  My goal now is to prep and train this body to be in battle mode so it's ready for surgery.

    Speaking of... my new surgery date is August 18.  I had to wait one month for my initial date so when it was cancelled I knew in the back of my mind that it could be at least another month for the new date.  But I was hopeful that they would feel bad for me and sneak me in somewhere so I wouldn't have to go through another whole month of mental torture.  So when she called and told me August 18 I balled.  I cried and begged and pleaded to her to fight for me.  She was the only scheduler I had met in person and when I did she hugged me, held my hand, and said she would take care of me.  So I reminded her of that day and said "you promised.  you said you would take care of me.  I need you to be in my corner and get me in surgery earlier!".  At this point I was desperate and she could hear it in my tears.  She was flattered and said she would do her best.  I haven't heard from her since.  I figured she was just blowing smoke up my ass but I felt I needed to at least ask.. I needed to feel like I was being my own advocate.  

    So here we are, less than 2 weeks from surgery (I feel like I've already said this before).  Hindsight is always 20/20 right?  I have this crippling fear.  Not just for myself but for everyone in my house.  I don't want anyone to get a cough, a cold, a sore throat, a stomach bug... NOTHING!!! So we are hiding in our own little bubble.  We are playing board games, tearing up landscaping, building things, painting walls, and organizing like Marie Kondo.  In 5 days the kids go back to school.  I am super excited but also very scared.  I just need us all happy and healthy until August 18.  

    With all this time before my surgery I have read all kinds of medical articles and listened to podcasts. I have been doing my research and feel super prepared for anything.  I'm basically a certified Oncologist at this point.  One podcast I love is "Breast Cancer Stories".  It follows a woman through her diagnosis and treatments in real time.  Her friend interviews her and they cover all kinds of topics that go along with fighting this disease and then becoming a "survivor".  If you or someone you love is going through this unfortunate journey I highly recommend giving it a listen.  They discuss things that maybe your loved one just doesn't want to talk about but needs you to know.  It's raw and real.  I feel incredibly empowered from listening to Kristen's story.  I plug it in when I walk Louie and it's like sitting down with some coffee (or wine) and chatting with friends.  

    On that note I've started a local support group for young women fighting breast cancer or breast cancer survivors.  I randomly posted it on social media and within a couple weeks there are 20 members!  I call it "Tata's and Tapas" 😆  Some of them are undergoing surgery right now and some have battled and are living their new normal for many years.  It's a wonderful community and I'm so grateful to know these strong women and to learn from them.  We had our first meetup last night and I sat with Robin (who is recovering from her double mastectomy) and I asked questions, shared stories, and laughed!  I can't put into words what its like to sit and talk with someone who gets it!  As much as I feel like my physical self is changing and will be forever changed, I can already feel my mental self changing. 

    I want to THANK YOU for all the texts and emails and cards and calls checking in on me.  But really "no news is good news" here.  Not much to report. But keep those prayers and good vibes coming.  Even though I'm getting through each day I'm still very much struggling.  But knowing I have this amazing and supportive community helps me know that I'm not alone and I don't have to do it alone.  Hugs!