Just When You Think You're Out of the Woods

 2/8/23        Day #247

 

    Hey, old friend!  It's been awhile.  A LOT has happened.  So much that I've wanted to come on and write but didn't know where to start.  At this point it could be a novel.  So let me try and catch you up with the "highlights".

    Remember in my last post I said I was on the other side of the storm?  Like a hurricane had just ripped through my life?  Well, if you live in a hurricane zone you know that there's a chance of tornadoes after a hurricane.  Yea... not one, but two.  

    It had been a couple weeks after my bilateral mastectomy when my surgeon and I noticed what we thought was bruised skin wasn't healing.  In fact it was dying and falling off.  Whether it was a hematoma or what we don't know, but it was clear that this quarter size chunk of skin needed to be removed.  Since I was "going under" I asked to have the exchange from expanders to implants.  Let's get it done!  Surgery #2 went well and my surgeon removed the dead skin and gave me a new scar.  I was ecstatic with the relief of saying goodbye to the dreaded expanders.  A literal weight was off of me.  I could finally breathe!  And while I was still swollen and misshapen I could look in the mirror and see something that resembled boobs instead of Frankenstein.  I was still under watchful eye and going to see my plastic surgeon every couple of days.  He pointed out a spot where my two incisions intersect that looked concerning but he told me to rest and keep an eye on it.  I followed the doctor's orders.  At my next appointment, one week after surgery #2, he said "we need to do surgery ASAP".  WHAT? HOW? WHY? I burst into tears.  Not just because I was sick of having surgeries but because this meant that reconstruction had failed on my right side and I needed to remove the implant, fix the incisions, and sit "flat" to rest and heal.  So many emotions flooded through my body.  Anger. Fear.  Anxiety. Hopelessness.  Defeat.  Everyone was cheering me on saying I was a fighter and here I was covered in scars, bruises, and now a missing part of my body.  I felt like I was cancer's punching bag.  I just showed up and let it destroy me.  Yes, I know the tumor was removed.  But after 3 surgeries in 2 months it felt like I just laid on a table and got beat up.  There was no fight.  I didn't feel like a winner.  I was completely devastated and deformed.  

    So, now what?  Since June 6 I have not felt in control of anything!  This is my time.  My time to push the "pause" button and rest and heal both mentally and physically.  Am I done?  Nope.  If I want to have reconstruction on my right side then I have at least 2 more surgeries ahead of me.  And I DO want to be reconstructed.  Going through life with 1 boob is not fun.  And it's not a vanity thing.  It's not about trying to be the "old" me.  She's gone.  My identity has been completely stripped from me.  And now I'm going through life with a mask on.  I can wear a prosthetic, a very padded bra, high cut shirts, and no one would even know a thing.  Which on one hand is a nice break and a tease of normalcy.  But as time goes on I get used to my new skin.  Sure it's a pain to always feel like you're hiding something, can only wear certain types of clothes, and constantly having a chicken cutlet rub on my incisions and itch and burn.  But as days pass I find myself forgetting and enjoying the sense of normalcy.  So when I feel like I'm ready to go under the knife I'll move forward with surgery #4.  Do I know when that will be?  No.  But when I do I know I'll know.

    During this time of pause I'm digesting everything.  When you're going through diagnosis and treatment you don't have the time to digest.  You're stuck in the state of shock.  But now is the time to feel the feelings, make sense of it all, and try to make a plan to move forward.  This is when true healing begins.  Not ends.  I have more good days than bad but I still have my moments.  But I'm discovering how to turn my pain into purpose.  While I don't know if I will ever understand why this happened to me I can find something positive to do with it all.  I have joined my community team that partners with a local breast cancer foundation and we raise funds and awareness in our community.  I have started a local support group for breast cancer patients and survivors.  I am sharing my story on social media to spread education and awareness and promote patient advocacy.   If my story can help just 1 person in their journey then that will fill my heart with joy.  

 

 

https://www.nocnoutbreastcancer.com/