What a gift

 8/17/22        Day #73

    Here we are, the night before my surgery.  Almost felt like it would never happen, right?  I'm sitting in my bed after performing one of my two showers.  I'm reading and rereading my prep material to make sure I get it all correct.  It was a whole month ago that they gave it to me and went over it before my original surgery date.  Surgical soap, body wipes, no lotions, no makeup, no nothing!  So the least I could do was give my hair a good blow out.  I know I'm going to be doped up on all the pain meds, but I want to wake up and feel a little bit like a human.  So if doing my hair is ridiculous then so be it!  My body is ready.

    A breast friend of mine from my support group gave me her power recliner chair for me to sleep in.  She said she used it for months and it was the best!  So that's in my room next to my bed.  I've taken out the clothes I anticipate wearing so that I don't have to worry about pulling out drawers.  Any items in my closet that I need I've placed on the bottom rack so I don't have to reach for anything.  Today was "mission clean" and Mom and I bleached this house from top to bottom (thanks Mom!).  We've done our last Target, Costco, and Publix runs.  The house is ready.

    But is my mind?  I know what you're thinking, "Renae, all you've done is talk about this and wish for it to be here!  It's gametime!"  And believe me, I'm tired of talking about it.  I'm ready for action!  But it's hard for me to put into words the emotions I'm feeling.  The anxiety.  The fear.  There isn't anything that could and will happen that I don't already know about.  I've done SO much research (maybe too much).  But that's a double edged sword.  I know what's coming.  I know how hard this is going to be.  And even though I've made it this far and consider myself a tough cookie, it makes me question my strength.  Can I handle it?  But day after day I am flooded with so much love and support that I know that when I can't handle it I have a whole army surrounding me to lift me up and walk with me through the fire.  But that's not the only question I have.  I find myself questioning a lot right now.  This week a very close family friend passed away unexpectedly.  She was 27 years old.  And she was set to marry the love of her life and her 2 year old son's father on this Saturday.  A beautiful and strong willed girl I've known her whole life.  We are devastated.  WHY?  How does this happen?  I'm sad but also angry.  I'm angry such a bright light will no longer be shining and touching people's lives.  I'm angry her little boy will not have his mother.  I'm angry her family is cancelling a wedding and planning a funeral.  I'm angry her fiance has to pick up the broken pieces and parent their child alone.  While every time he sees their little guy smile he sees her!  In a split second life can change.  I've never felt this deeply about my own mortality.  You hear it all the time, but let me say it again.  Life is a gift!  We are not promised today or tomorrow.  

    I don't know how to end this entry.  I try to find some humor in all of this.  I try to keep it light.  But my heart is heavy.  So very heavy.  Thank you for your prayers and calls and messages.  Hug your family.