A Punch to the Gut

 6/18/22        Day #43

    It's the day before my scheduled surgery.  I've been waiting for over a month for this.  I've googled all the things, YouTubed all the things, joined all the support groups, and purchased all the button down cozy shirts and pillows I can find.  My parents drove 13 hours to get here.  My kids are scheduled for play dates and camps.  Friends have signed up to bring us meals on Meal Train.  Neil and I went on our final date, Mom and I went to the spa, I've put checks in all the boxes on my mile long list of to-do's before surgery.  Everything was going to plan until....

    I woke up the morning of our spa day with a heaviness in my chest and a dry cough.  The kids had some sniffles and sneezes the past few days so I chalked it up to allergies.  The next day was my pre-op appointment.  The hour and a half appointment consisted of blood draw, EKG, Covid test, and going over the packet of things to do and things not to do days leading up to surgery.  My goodie bag had a carbohydrate drink to consume the morning of, wipes to scrub my whole body with, a special soap to use in the shower the night before and the morning of, and stool softener.  During what seemed to be like the Spanish Inquisition I remained masked and tried to hide my cough.  I passed with flying colors, but we wouldn't get the Covid test results back until Monday.  So the nurse sent me on my way.  "Enjoy your weekend!  See you Tuesday!"

    I came home and quickly went downhill.  I was achy, had a headache, and could feel the chills coming on.  My neighbor brought me Tylenol and an at-home Covid test.  I thought I might as well take one just to ease my mind.   After 13 minutes the box indicating "positive" had a very, very faint line.  So faint that my mom had to take it into different lighting to even see it.  So I took another.  Same thing.  Now the fever sets in.  And my mental state completely implodes.  I still keep thinking maybe its some bug, maybe the hospital test is negative and I just have a 24 hour thing, and when its gone I can still have surgery.  I lock myself in my room and sleep for what felt like days.  Thankfully I could actually sleep.  Only waking up to take more Tylenol.  Part of my pre-op instructions were to stop taking any herbal supplements, no meds except for Tylenol or Ibuprofen.  I wake up and decide to take another test and see if this faint line has changed in the past 12 hours.  Within seconds it's as clear as day.  Positive.  My heart sinks.  I want to scream, yell, curse, cry, punch a hole in the wall.  But I feel so awful that I don't even have the energy.  I have a conversation with myself and decide the best thing for me in this moment is take care of myself and my needs right now.  And right now I need to kick Covid to the curb.  Covid is temporary.  Cancer is not.  Covid will go away.  Cancer will not.  I've waited this long and I want to do this right.  I don't want to go in with my immune system compromised.  The whole point of pre-op is to boost your already healthy and fit body to get ready to fight.  I would put myself at a higher risk for so many infections if I had the surgery while fighting Covid.  As much as it sucks I have to postpone surgery 😭

    So, we wait.  Just like we've been doing.  The schedule coordinators will figure out the schedules for both surgeons and call me with a new date.  

    I guess one silver lining is that when you are sick all you want is your mom and some homemade soup.  And that's exactly what I got.