Broken Pieces

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 Day #21        Rabbit Hole        06/26/22

    We're "staying busy".  It's exhausting.  This weekend was non-stop.  Yesterday I cleaned the condo all day and then met Neil and the kids at our friends' house an hour away. I was pooped by the time we got home at 9:30pm.  I got the kids to bed and then sat for 10 seconds and remembered, our son's birthday party tomorrow!  Not that there was a ton to do to prepare but I needed to gather everything we needed to take in the morning.

    The party today was great.  All of our friends, kids had a blast at the water parks, and for a few hours it just felt normal.  We got home and just vegg'd.  Last night at our friends' house my girlfriend walked me through her whole preventative surgery and recovery.  It sparked my curiosity about the dreaded drains.  So I went to YouTube like a typical male needing instructions and went down a rabbit hole.  Once again it just made it all feel so real.  Watching these videos with real patients, real incisions, real bruises, and real drains 😬 My whole body started to ache just thinking about it.  But I'm glad I watched them.  I want to feel prepared.  I can't imagine soaking in all this info post surgery, all doped up on drugs!  But that first week is going to be a bitch! I'm so very thankful my mom is coming.  I'm going to need a lot of help.  Neil will take off work, but I'm so lucky she will be here too.

    It's crazy to think it is still 3 weeks away  That's a loooooooong time.  Sitting.  Waiting.  Googling.  YouTubing.  Lord, help me!


Day #22        Broken        6/27/22

    Today is my son's birthday.  We had no plans since the past weekend was slammed with activities.  I was looking forward to a day at home and letting him play with all his new toys.  Yesterday at the party he ripped into  his gifts, threw away the boxes and instructions, and I would be totally shocked if we didn't lose one or two important parts to a toy.

    Well this morning we realized 2 of the new toys are broken already.  It could be that they weren't assembled correctly, but very apparent, they don't work!

    He could NOT handle it.  Like lost his marbles.  And obsessed over these 2 toys and why do they not work?!  I tried everything.  I YouTubed videos, I unscrewed parts, I spent all morning working on them.  No luck.  He was a mess.  So upset.  Yelling at me... so, even though I was staying calm all morning trying to help, I eventually lost my marbles too.  It was too overwhelming.  I couldn't take it anymore.  And all I could think and feel was "I'M broken".  What a roller coaster this is.  How a messed up plastic and metal Beyblade can mimic me and my health journey... it's wild!

    But there I was, yelling "Mommy needs a time out!" and running to my room.  Trying not to cry in front of them.  I eventually came out and hopped on the computer, still sniffling my tears and both kiddos sat on either side of me and showed me nothing but love.  They didn't ask anything, say anything, they just hugged me.  God, I love them so much!  They're crazy and drive me insane, but I would do anything for them.  I don't want them to remember this time in our lives as me being scared and upset (even though I 100% am).  I just want it to be a hiccup.  A bump in the road.  But we keep going.  It doesn't stop us.  It may slow us down but we're stronger!

    I will allow myself to feel all the things.  Just not in front of them.  Which is hard for me because I'm with them all. the. time.  And I don't hide much from them; we're open.  And I want them to be a part of this- just on their level.  I know once they see me after surgery it will take on a new identity... be more real.  But that's not today.  And it's not tomorrow.  One day, one step, at a time.



Comments

  1. Rebecca SwanJuly 9, 2022 at 4:37 PM

    I can totally relate w/u on a lot if this. I've been down that rabbit hole on YouTube looking into the life-altering procedures I've had to face. I've also practically gone blind by the plethora of info as I would educate (& still do) myself on a new drug, treatment, etc. It was & still is overwhelming at times & I would always try & make sure I kept my composure in front of my kids & I have had those moments of "momma needs a time out".They didn't know much about it when they were younger cuz, I wanted to shield them from the fear of losing their momma at a young age. I've always stated that "my best defense against my illness is to educate myself on it, it's treatments, medicine, & research." I can tell u that there's no manual on how to approach the subject of how to talk to ur kids that momma is sick cuz, it's different for each family. I can say that u will know when & how to talk to ur sweet cherubs about the big C. I know it may not be today or tomorrow but, u will know when the time's right...God will whisper it to u! Much love & hugs~Rebecca

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