Funny Story

         So I've got a funny story.  It's a weird feeling sitting around waiting for surgery.  I've made a list of all the things I want to do with my family and projects I want to accomplish.  Last night I went to the movies for the first time in about 10 years and saw "Elvis" (amazing by the way!), I've cleaned and organized rooms in the house that I've put off for months, and the other day I painted an accent wall in the dining room.  I'm not scared I'm going to die on the operating table but there is a weird feeling of my theme song being Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Are Dying" and checking things off a bucket list.

    My kids have benefited too.  We've done water parks, theme parks, the beach, and a few other special days of fun.  On the hottest day of the year we planned a morning at the indoor ice skating rink.  We haven't been in years and after watching the winter Olympics my daughter has it in her mind that she is going to be a figure ice skater.  The open skate is from 10-12 noon so we get there as soon as the doors open.  We get our skates on and hit the ice.  We are having a blast!  I am not an avid ice skater but I did grow up roller skating and idolized Oksana Baiul, so basically I'm a professional.  After an hour or so I decide to do some tricks and show off to my kids, because I'm young and cool.  I put one leg in passe and say to my daughter, "hey, can you do this?"After a brief moment of stardom I lose my balance and wipe out.  I don't use anything to brace my fall but my ass.  My entire body slammed onto the ice, right on my tailbone.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't breathe.  At one point I felt like I was going to pass out.  A couple people skated over and asked if I was ok (none of them being my kids of course).  I finally crawled off the ice and stood up and caught my breath.  I was in so much pain!  The kids skated without me for the remainder of the time and then we went home.  For days I couldn't sit in certain positions, lay down in certain positions, and even walk certain ways.  But the pain started to subside so I thought I was getting better.  Five days later I drove myself to the ER because I couldn't move and was in severe pain.  Like the worst I've ever felt.  In tears.  The x-rays show no fracture but the doctor said I bruised my tailbone very badly.  It shouldn't interfere with my surgery but I need to take it easy and tell the hospital about it before they put me under and flop me around like a rag doll.  Oh the irony.  I'm about to be laid out on my ass for a couple weeks after surgery and now its injured.  

    At least I can laugh about it.  I don't laugh much these days so I guess God played a trick on me.  There are many emotional stages to this journey.  First there's shock, then there's complete sadness.  Followed by anger and resentment.  And now leading up to surgery there is an insane amount of fear. So smiling and laughing hasn't been a part of my typical day lately.  I recently went public with my diagnosis.  Some go through this in a private matter.  Some don't.  You just do what's best for you.  I was hesitant putting it out there.  I feel in the past I've always been jinxed after making something public.  In 2013 I announced my first pregnancy only to miscarry a couple days later.  My husband and I announced we were adopting our 3rd child only to sit and wait for over a year and eventually walk away with broken hearts.  So announcing my breast cancer diagnosis stirred up a lot of emotions for me.  But as soon as I hit "post" I felt relief.  A bit of weight off my shoulders.  I've been flooded with beautiful and heart felt messages, texts, phone calls.  People I haven't talked to in years.  So many words of love and encouragement.  It's overwhelming in the most wonderful way.  BUT, when you share something with the world you are also opening the door for people to say stupid shit.  This has only happened a couple times, and I have to remind myself that I invited any and all to have the ability to comment.  So if you're still reading this entry and have gotten to this point let me give a little advice.  DON'T TRY TO BE FUNNY.  There have been zero moments where I have felt like any part of this is appropriate to laugh at or joke about.  And in NO way is the "bright side" of this that now I'll get a pretty new fake set of tits. 😒  When someone is going through something like this, especially at the beginning, they don't want to hear "bright sides".  God didn't do this to me because of some "plan".  The words "at least...." make me want to scream!  One day I'll get there and look back and forward with positivity and gratitude.  But right now is not. that. time. 

    I can, however, look back at falling on my tailbone while trying to show off to my kids and smile and laugh and think, you idiot! That's what I get for having fun with my kids.  But I still think I'm a cool mom!  

**Pic of me riding a roller coaster.  Literally and figuratively