My Other Half

    7/26/22        Day#51

    

    Today is the day I married my best friend.  Fourteen years ago we went to the altar and said "I do" in front of God, our families, and our friends.  Let's be honest.. we had NO idea what we were doing!  Don't get me wrong, we were madly in love and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.  We were done dating and thought we knew ourselves and what we wanted in life.  And thankfully fate (or God, whichever you choose) brought us together one September night at a bar in Annapolis.  Neil was fresh out of a relationship and I was married to my dream of being a performer!  My career was starting with my first job lined up out of college.  I was hired on my first cruise ship as a singer/dancer.  Neil was in his last year at the US Naval Academy and had his sights set on being a modern day Maverick.  Needless to say both of us were not looking for a relationship.  But life had other plans.  Better plans.

     This day 14 years ago was probably the most fun day I've ever had in my life.  Some people who were there are no longer with us and have passed.  Some people were friends of ours but are no longer in our lives.  And there are many people in our lives now that are incredibly important to us but did not know us at that time and weren't there to be a part of our big day.  But when I look back at that day it was by far one of the best days of my life.  We had a traditional Catholic wedding at the most beautiful church I know, the US Naval Academy Chapel.  About 100 of our closest friends and family were in attendance.  Our reception was at the Marriott with an outdoor patio area right on the Severn River with views of all of downtown Annapolis and the Academy.  I designated most of our budget for amazing food and drinks.  I sang to Neil and he and his fellow Naval Officers serenaded me just like Top Gun.  My gift to Neil was a cigar roller from the Dominican Republic.  I had rolled cigars on the rooftop for us all to smoke while he rolled fresh ones for people to take home as a souvenir. After the reception we flooded the bars of DTA (downtown Annapolis) and danced the night away.  But even through the fun and champagne we embraced the importance and significance of the day, our vows, and the commitment we were making.  

    But nothing can prepare you for what "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" really entails.  Just like having children, no book, no advice, no YouTube video can really prepare you for how your life is going to change.  Throughout this cancer journey I have hit some very low lows.  I have been scared, angry, shocked, depressed, grateful, hopeless, driven, hopeful, encouraged, and everything in between.  In most stories you only hear about the person diagnosed.  The person in the fight.  The person going through treatment.  The person whose world has changed.  The person fighting to survive.  But cancer doesn't just affect one person.  It affects the whole family.  Sure, his experience is different than mine.  But that's just it...it's different than mine!  But he's on this journey with me.  What about him?  What about how he feels during all of this?  He has to not only watch me go through this physically and mentally but he also has his own feelings, his own insecurities, his own fears, his own wishes, his own anger.  Just like the typical male he wants to fix it.  But he has no control.  He has to wake up and go to work, just like any other day.  But then come home, take over with the kids because I need to check out, handle dinners and bedtimes, etc.  All while trying to be there for me.  Be an ear, lend a shoulder, share his heart.  Be strong like I need him to be while I am weak and broken.  Every night after the kids are in bed we sit and look at each other and talk about the day, how we're feeling, the good and the bad.  But mostly he's just there for me.  I soak it up.  But there are moments that I remember he's in this too. I wonder how he's getting through all of this.  I have doctors, therapists, support groups, cards and gift baskets... and he is just along for the ride with no guide, no handbook, no Facebook groups, nothing... just riding the wave right alongside me.  

    

I am in awe of him.  I knew he was an amazing human.  I knew 14 years ago that I made the best decision of my life.  I knew he was strong and kind and loving and perfect for me in every way.  But I could never have known that he could be thrown into the fire and walk through it carrying me all the way.  I know I'm strong.  But I could NOT go through this without him.  And I love him more and more each day.